I have fond memories of watching Marc Summers host the show Double Dare.

Unfortunately, nobody dared the Hallmark Channel to write a good Hanukkah movie. To be sure, credit must go to the network for opting to make Hanukkah movies in the first place. I’ve seen them all in recent years, and some have had some panache and sizzle.

It’s painful, however, to watch the new film, Hanukkah on the Rocks. It is so riddled with cliches, that even if the writers were drunk, that wouldn’t be a good enough excuse.

Summers, who is Jewish, stars as a man living in Chicago. His grandson, a handsome radiologist named Jay, is trying to convince him to move to Florida to be with him and the rest of the family. When Jay’s love interest Tory is let go from her job as a lawyer, she says she used to bartend and she helps out at the local bar where they make Hanukkah drinks and celebrate there. (The film is shot in Canada for some reason, but whatever. Maybe Chicago was too expensive.)

The film’s strength is the two leads. Stacey Farber (Tory) and Daren Kagasoff (Jay) both bring charm to their roles, and there’s some chemistry between the two. And there’s a good obligatory kiss at the end.

The problem is the script is dreadful to the point of being offensive. Throwing Yiddish words out randomly doesn’t make a good film. Characters say “bubbie” a few times, and the word “shmendrick” is said by someone who isn’t religious. That would never happen in real life. It would be nice to see an Orthodox person or even a yarmulke on somebody, but I get that the makers of these films don’t want it to be *too* Jewish. I wonder if the makers of Christmas movies are afraid of making it too Christian.

I also get that the film doesn’t care about the food being kosher, but is it necessary to have crème fresh (dairy) on the same plate as short rib? That’s slightly better than lighting the menorah over cheeseburgers.

Jay is supposedly awesome because he helps a young Jewish boy named Parker, who is about eight, with how to pronounce the word “Maccabee.” Of course, there is no explanation of what the word means for the viewing audience.  I almost cried at this part of the film, not only because it was so terrible, but because I realized that many Jewish children likely don’t know what the word Maccabee refers to.

Farber and Kagasoff have talent, but even Judah Macabee couldn’t do anything with this script. There is one cute scene where the two play cornhole and are verbally feisty. Why not more scenes like that?

A character says a drink should be called “He-Brew.” Get it? So original, if not for the fact that it already exists, made by Schmaltz Brewing Company. He’Brew is the flagship brand.

It’s nice that they show the blessings over the candles. But that should be the floor of what we expect, not the ceiling.

There was not a single funny line of dialogue in the entire film. I did laugh at one part that was unintentionally funny. How long was Tory out of work? She almost cries as she says she hasn’t been working — for one week. One week! But she says she has a good severance package. I can’t imagine what viewers who have family members who have been unemployed for a year or more think of someone about to shed tears from being out of work for seven days.

Then there’s the big “twist” at the end, which ends up being meaningless.

With movies this bad, Hanukkah is indeed on the rocks.

The author is a writer based in New York.

The post Hallmark’s Hanukkah Film Is No Miracle first appeared on Algemeiner.com.