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7 ways to offer support and Jewish strength to friends or loved ones facing cancer
When Shoshana Polakoff, 40, received an unexpected breast cancer diagnosis three years ago, the mother of three young children needed extra support. Her friends, family and Jewish community in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan immediately stepped up.
They organized help with after-school childcare, packed school lunches for her kids and sent her little notes of encouragement while Polakoff endured trying cancer treatments.
“I felt pounds lighter and overwhelmed by the chesed that mobilized so quickly,” said Polakoff, using the Hebrew term for kindness. “And the practical help was such an incredible gift.”
Too often, however, friends and loved ones of cancer patients are at a loss for how to respond when someone close to them is diagnosed with cancer.
“Often they feel just as thrown into this new reality as the woman herself and are not sure what to do next,” said Adina Fleischmann, chief services officer for Sharsheret, the national Jewish breast cancer and ovarian cancer organization.
This is especially the case for young people who might never have had a family member or friend diagnosed with cancer before.
Fleischmann — whose organization offers extensive resources for cancer patients, ranging from emotional support, mental health counseling and education to financial subsidies for women and their families facing breast and ovarian cancer — has some guidance for what to say, how to reach out and what kind of help might be appropriate to provide in the face of a friend or family member’s cancer diagnosis.
It’s all about providing chizuk – Hebrew for strength – to the person facing cancer.
1. Establish the “Kvetching Order”
The “Kvetching Order,” based on a concept called the Ring Theory developed by clinical psychologist Susan Silk, dictates that those close to someone struggling with a cancer diagnosis offer only support to the cancer patient, and any kvetching about their own stress outward.
Thus, the person with cancer is at the center of a circle surrounded by a ring of her or his most intimate friends and loved ones. More distant concentric rings include other friends, acquaintances, more distant family and community members.
Colloquially known as “comfort in, dump out,” the Kvetching Order establishes a flow of support directed toward the person facing cancer.
2. Be clear and specific with offers of help
Support can look and feel different to different people facing cancer; each person’s needs and life circumstances are unique. When younger women are diagnosed with cancer — as often is the case with ovarian or breast cancers, where 50% of new diagnoses are in women under age 63 — patients often need extra help managing their responsibilities as parents and/or career professionals.
“Let the woman guide the journey,” Fleischmann says of the cancer patient. “Follow her lead.”
Sharsheret suggests offering concrete, practical assistance, such as offering to take the patient’s child to after-school activities or helping with homework. Maybe offer to come over to help clean the house, do laundry, or pick up groceries and make dinner for the family.
“But give the woman the feeling of control,” Fleischmann said. “Let her be in control of your support.”
Thus, a concrete suggestion like, “Can I bring you pizza for dinner on Wednesday?” is better than a vague offer of “What can I do to help?”
3. Check in often but don’t expect a response
By all means reach out to the person facing cancer. But if they don’t respond to your phone calls, emails or texts, don’t be put off.
“Sometimes the woman may not have the time or energy to respond,” Fleischmann said. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue reaching out. “She will appreciate knowing that you’re thinking of her.”
Polakoff found small gestures particularly meaningful.
“Little things meant a lot,” she said. “Like just a note that said, ‘I’m thinking of you. Have a good Shabbos.’”
4. Leave cancer out of it sometimes and just be with them
Kristen Harvey, who at 23 was faced with an ovarian cancer diagnosis for the second time, said it was important to have friends around her with whom she could talk about the future.
“Just being there was the best thing,” said Harvey, who recently graduated from college and lives in Michigan. “We didn’t need to do anything. I appreciated when people came over and we just hung out and watched a movie.”
Alexis Wilson, a teacher in Jupiter, Florida, said her friendships were essential during her breast cancer treatment. Before starting chemotherapy, her friends threw her a big party to which everyone showed up in different-colored wigs and decorated her yard with signs.
“My friends played a big role,” said Wilson, 39. “I felt like I wasn’t alone.”
5. Continue your support throughout someone’s cancer journey
For some women, “maintenance treatment” can last for many years beyond the active treatments of chemotherapy, radiation or surgery. Women living with metastatic breast cancer, for example, usually continue treatment throughout their lives.
Fleischmann recommends checking in with a woman along every step of her cancer journey: not just the period of active treatment, but also during maintenance treatment, survivorship, and if she is living with metastatic or advanced cancer.
“It’s nice to know my friends and family continued to reach out once I was done with treatment,” Harvey said. “Back to normal doesn’t mean life is ever normal.”
There are often heightened emotional needs around anniversaries of certain cancer diagnoses or treatment dates, Fleischmann said, so marking these dates could be important.
6. Make sure you have your own support system
If you’re particularly close to the person with cancer, you may experience feelings of being overwhelmed yourself. It’s important to take care of your own emotional well-being and not dismiss it in the face of someone else’s more pressing illness.
“As a caregiver, you can be very easily drained without your own coping mechanisms,” Fleischmann said.
Make sure to take care of yourself physically and emotionally so that you have the capacity to attend to your friend or loved one’s needs.
7. Talk to your healthcare provider and safeguard your own health
Even while supporting a loved one or friend with breast or ovarian cancer, it’s important to safeguard your own health.
The BRCA genetic mutation that causes breast cancer and ovarian cancer is much more common among Ashkenazi Jewish women than in the general U.S. population. About 1 in 40 Ashkenazi Jewish women and men carry the mutation, compared to 1 in 400 in the general population. Ashkenazi Jewish men are also at elevated risk for melanoma and prostate and pancreatic cancer.
“Talk to your healthcare provider,” Fleischmann said. “Those whose family members are facing hereditary breast and ovarian cancer should speak with their doctor or genetic counselor to see how this may affect them, too, and learn about appropriate testing and precautions.”
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My Path to Being More Observant: Building a Jewish Life on Love, Not Fear
Reading from a Torah scroll in accordance with Sephardi tradition. Photo: Sagie Maoz via Wikimedia Commons.
I love connecting Jews to Judaism. There’s a big part of the Jewish world where people don’t know what they’re missing out on. If people have only ever been exposed to one stream of Judaism from a young age, their worldview will be shaped by that experience. We have access to knowledge, spirituality, and meaningful ways to connect to G-d, and we should be sharing this with all Jews.
I try to show them love by inviting them to Shabbat dinners and powerful experiences. These are all very important things to me. But I wasn’t always this way.
I grew up in Sharon, Massachusetts, surrounded by a rich tapestry of Jewish life. I attended Temple Israel, a Conservative synagogue, spent summers at Camp YJ in Amherst, New Hampshire, and was involved in BBYO throughout high school. Between Hebrew school three days a week and my parents hosting many Jewish holidays, Judaism was woven into the fabric of my daily life.
Yet despite this strong foundation, my journey to Aish’s yeshiva program wasn’t something anyone might have predicted. I was always connected with Judaism growing up, and I had many Modern Orthodox friends in college, but yeshiva wasn’t initially on my radar. That changed when I got to the University of Michigan.
At Michigan, I connected with Michigan Hillel and became deeply involved in Israel activism and Jewish student leadership. I also developed a meaningful relationship with Rabbi Fully Eisenberger, at the Jewish Resource Center, who taught me for four years. The Jewish Resource Center at Michigan became instrumental in my growth, supported my learning journey, and gave me confidence in my decisions.
The Jewish Resource Center was tremendous to me. I really felt supported in my journey and my learning, and that allowed me to feel confident in my decisions to go to Aish.
I had visited Israel four times before that point, starting with a five-week trip through Camp YJ in 2019. After I graduated from Michigan, I had a consulting job lined up in Manhattan starting in February, which gave me a perfect window of time in between. I decided Israel was my best option to increase my Jewish knowledge and set up my Jewish future for success. Ultimately, that meant yeshiva.
Having arrived at Aish in September 2025, I dived headfirst into intensive Jewish learning. While my studies have been overwhelmingly positive, the transition hasn’t been without its challenges. I’ll admit that my biggest hurdle is wanting to run before I know how to walk.
I wish I could read Gemara all day, but translations are hard for me. Sometimes you just have to take your time and say the words correctly and with intention. Time is my challenge. That’s my hurdle.
Despite these mild frustrations, I have found incredible support among my rabbis. Rabbi Daniel Schloss has been particularly influential in helping me understand halakha, Jewish law. The way he gets me to think through the principles of Shabbat is very powerful, because it shows I have the ability to interpret halakha and use it correctly. He’s an incredible teacher.
Rabbi Ethan Katz has also been instrumental in my growth, as he’s helped me learn to study at a pace that I desired, and I’m grateful for that. He has such positive energy, and I really appreciate that.
Throughout my journey, my family has been remarkably supportive. My parents have embraced this increasingly observant path I have been traveling, catering to my needs and ensuring I can build the Jewish future I envision. While they haven’t necessarily followed the same trajectory themselves, their gift to me was the foundation that made everything else possible.
Even as I learn, I’m always looking for ways to give back. Before arriving here, I led a Birthright Israel trip, and will be leading another one. I look forward to the day when I can host people regularly and get involved with outreach organizations back in New York.
People often ask me if I’m wary of being in New York, but I refuse to let others define my Jewish identity. Our Judaism is made up of things we love. We love being Jewish, celebrating the holidays, and connecting with the community. I’m looking to find positive ways to build my Judaism.
Thanks to my upbringing and studies, I feel confident and proud of my Judaism. I want to bring that confidence and passion with me, ready to share what I’ve learned and continue growing in my connection to the most fulfilling Jewish life.
The author holds a Bachelor’s degree in Economics and a minor in Entrepreneurship and Judaic Studies from the University of Michigan, and recently attended Yeshiva in Israel at Aish.
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Holocaust Survivor, 96, Celebrates Aliyah to Israel With Five Generations of Descendants
Charlotte Roth’s aliyah ceremony, attended by five generations of her descendants. Photo: Nefesh B’Nefesh
Holocaust survivor Charlotte Roth formally immigrated to Israel on Wednesday and celebrated with an aliyah ceremony attended by her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren who live in the Jewish state.
“It is a truly wonderful moment in my life to be able to call myself Israeli, a citizen of our Jewish state,” said Roth, 96. “Walking these streets with five generations of my family fills my heart with deep joy and strength, especially when I see Israeli soldiers and feel safety and pride where there was once fear.”
Aliyah refers to the process of Jews immigrating to Israel.
Roth made the move to Israel with help from Nefesh B’Nefesh — a nonprofit organization that promotes and facilitates aliyah from the US and Canada — and the Israeli government’s Population and Immigration Authority, in cooperation with the Ministry of Aliyah and Integration and three nonprofits: The Jewish Agency for Israel, Keren Kayemeth LeIsrael, and Jewish National Fund–USA.
The Holocaust survivor was born in Czechoslovakia. In 1944 during Passover, at the age of 14, Roth’s family was forced into a Jewish ghetto. Weeks later the family was deported to the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp in a cattle car and faced horrific conditions during their transportation. Upon arrival at the Nazi death camp, which was the second day of the Jewish holiday of Shavuot, Roth was separated from her mother and siblings, and never saw them again.
Roth did forced labor in Auschwitz. She survived the Nazi concentration camp, a death march, and imprisonment in another camp before she was liberated at the end of World War II. Her mother and siblings did not survive the Holocaust and before she had a chance to reunite with her father, he committed suicide, thinking that his whole family had died. Roth met her future husband in a Displaced Persons camp, where they married and had their first child before immigrating to the United States. They had four children together and today Roth is the matriarch of nine grandchildren, 26 great-grandchildren, and 11 great-great-grandchildren.
Rabbi Yehoshua Fass, co-founder and executive director of Nefesh B’Nefesh, said Roth’s life journey “is a testament to the extraordinary resilience of the Jewish spirit.”
“From unimaginable darkness emerged a light that has shone for over five generations,” he added. “Her aliyah, surrounded by her family in the Jewish homeland, is profoundly moving and represents courage, renewal, and the enduring triumph of our nation. We are deeply privileged to share in this remarkable moment.”
Roth continues to wear one possession that she still has from before the Holocaust, which is a ring engraved with the initials “IS,” for Ilanka Shvartz, the name she was given at birth.
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DePaul University Denounces Antisemitic Harassment, Targeting of Jewish Students
Students walk into the student center on the campus of DePaul University in Chicago, Illinois, US, Oct. 2, 2025. Photo: REUTERS/Jim Vondruska
DePaul University in Chicago has denounced an antisemitic incident which took place near its grounds last Wednesday, with President Robert Manuel saying he is “outraged.”
According to the university, a group of its students, as well as others from Loyola College and Roosevelt University, were harassed at the local Olive & Oak Café during a regular outing hosted by Hillel and the Jewish United Fund. During a verbal onslaught, the perpetrators demanded that the students leave for being Jewish while a JUF staff member was subject to battery, according to a description of the incident told by the Chicago Police Department.
“While this incident occurred off campus, I am outraged that our students were targeted and harassed because of their Jewish identity,” Manuel said in a statement on Monday. “These actions are inexcusable. DePaul University condemns antisemitism in all its forms and will continue to stand firm in doing so, in line with our Catholic, Vincentian values.”
He continued, “We are working to determine whether any of the offenders are affiliated with DePaul community, and we will take swift, consistent action if any violations of university policy are identified … Acts of hate and violence has no place at DePaul — or anywhere. Our commitment to foster a campus environment rooted in dignity, care, and respect for all remains unwavering.”
Last Wednesday’s incident is not the first time Jewish DePaul students have been subject to alleged battery and discrimination.
In November 2024, two Jewish students participating in a pro-Israel demonstration at DePaul University were “brutally” assaulted by two ruffians who concealed their identities with masks. At least one of the men, Adam Erkan, involved in the assault has since pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery. According to court documents, he approached the victims, Max Long and Michael Kaminsky, in a ski mask while shouting antisemitic epithets and statements. He then attacked both students, fracturing Kaminsky’s wrist and inflicting a brain injury on Long, whom he pummeled into an unconscious state.
Law enforcement identified Erkan, who absconded to another location in a car, after his father came forward to confirm that it was his visage which surveillance cameras captured near the scene of the crime. According to multiple reports, the assailant avoided severer criminal penalties by agreeing to plead guilty to lesser offenses than the felony hate crime counts with which he was originally charged.
His accomplice, described as a man in his age group, remained at large as of late last year.
“One attacker has now admitted guilt for brutally assaulting two Jewish students at DePaul University. That is a step toward justice, but it is nowhere near enough,” The Lawfare Project, a Jewish civil rights advocacy group which represented the Jewish students throughout the criminal proceedings, said in a statement responding to the plea deal. “The second attacker remains at large, and Max and Michael continue to experience ongoing threats. We demand — and fully expect — his swift arrest and prosecution to ensure justice for these students and for the Jewish community harmed by this antisemitic hate crime.”
Antisemitic incidents on US college campuses have exploded nationwide since Hamas’s Oct. 7, 2023, massacre across southern Israel.
The 2025-2026 academic year has seen a continuation of that pattern.
Earlier this month, a non-student graffitied Nazi insignia on the campus of Northwestern University. The Schutzstaffel (SS) symbol representing the notorious paramilitary group under Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party in Germany was spray-painted on Northwestern’s campus in Evanston, Illinois. The SS played a central role in the Nazis’ systematic killing of 6 million Jews during the Holocaust.
In January, a right-wing influencer and University of Miami student upbraided her Jewish peers in a tirade in which she denounced them as “disgusting” while accusing rabbis of eating infants.
“Christianity, which says love everyone, meanwhile your Bible says eating someone who is a non-Jew is like eating with an animal. That’s what the Talmud says,” the social media influencer, Kaylee Mahony, yelled at members of Students Supporting Israel (SSI) who had a table at a campus fair held at the University of Miami. “That’s what these people follow.”
She continued, “They think that if you are not a Jew you are an animal. That’s the Talmud. That’s the Talmud.”
The Talmud, a key source of Jewish law, tradition, and theology, is often misrepresented by antisemitic agitators in an effort to malign the Jewish people and their religion.
Mahony can also be heard in video of the incident responding to one of the SSI members, saying, “Because you’re disgusting. It’s disgusting.”
Follow Dion J. Pierre @DionJPierre.
