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Do no harm: A reminder to therapists

For over 35 years I have treated thousands of men and women of all ages and stages in life. They have come from different socioeconomic, religious and cultural backgrounds, seeking help for problems including depression, anxiety, early child sexual abuse, domestic abuse, substance abuse of various kinds and sexual and relationship issues.

The majority of my patients typically contact me asking for individual therapy. Since we don’t live in a bubble, people’s relationships, beginning with their own families of origin and significant others – including friends, lovers, colleagues and spouses, need to be fully explored. This step is critical in understanding the possible ‘root causes’ of the underlying problem(s).

People can naturally only describe their own ‘truths’ and experiences. That’s why it is important for the therapist to encourage the patient to have various family members participate in the therapy (as long as the patient feels safe to do so)— particularly when a patient’s presenting problem and chief complaint is specifically about these very important people in their life.

Although it is not always possible to do this in every situation, experience has taught me that we, as therapists, can do enormous harm to the very people that we are committed to helping, when we are unable or unwilling to obtain as complete a picture as possible. I have seen too may families and relationships destroyed, suffering irrevocable damage and pain as a result of therapists not willing to do their do diligence and be open to hearing ‘the rest of the story’.

ROBERT AND AMANDA
I recently received a phone call from Robert, 38, a very successful and well-known Southampton attorney. He told me that he and his new wife, Amanda, had been married for just one year and that the marriage was in serious trouble. His wife was initially reluctant to accompany him to an appointment. A few weeks later he called and said that they were finally both ready to come in and see me.

THE INITIAL COUPLES SESSION
Robert and Amanda (both never previously married), met on Tinder just prior to the pandemic. As a result, they had not been able to spend very much in person, face to face time together. They emailed, texted and sexted for over a year and became engaged within a few months after things began to open up. They shared a love of tennis, running, and travel, and both talked about their desire to have a child some day. We spent most of the initial session talking about how Robert’s family did not care for Amanda and were opposed to the marriage. Amanda’s feelings of rejection, disappointment and anger dominated our session. She felt that Robert did not support her and was simply too enmeshed with his family. Robert said very little, but made it very clear that Amanda was over-reacting, invalidating her feelings about how badly his family treated her. The fact that Robert did not protect his wife from his family’s hurtful and disrespectful behavior was one issue that we would definitely be tackling in our couples sessions.

MY MEETING WITH ROBERT ALONE
After the initial couples evaluation, (oftentimes lasting several hours), I always meet with the individuals alone. This enables me to really get to know who the people are as individuals, including finding out about their own family histories, dating relationships, abuse of any kind, psychiatric histories, affairs, etc. I often learn things in these individual sessions that may never be disclosed in a couples session.

Robert told me that Amanda regularly throws temper tantrums when she is upset, including hitting him, destroying property and threatening to commit suicide. These ‘scenes’ are followed by a period of calm – including apologies and promises to ‘never do it again’. Robert told me that there were several recent episodes where he felt that he should contact the police and have Amanda admitted to a psychiatric hospital. He acknowledged that he really didn’t know her when they decided to get married and that his own individual therapist had been deeply concerned that she had major unresolved psychiatric problems. He now realizes that their love of the outdoors and travel were not sufficient reasons to have gotten married. He has discussed all of this with his family. I now understand why his family had been so worried about Robert and why they have not embraced Amanda.

Robert also confided that since being with Amanda, he regularly suffers from erectile dysfunction, despite the fact the his urologist assured him that there is no physical reason to explain his problem. In discussing this further, he was able to see that even though Amanda was desperate to have a child, that under the circumstance he was not. His penis was telling him something very important!

I may never have known about the reality of Robert’s experiences with Amanda had I not met with him individually. At the end of our session Robert told me that he was thinking of going to a hotel for the night, since he hadn’t been able to sleep in several days. He planned on calling Amanda to let her know of his plans as soon as he left my office.

11 P.M.—MY CELL PHONE RINGS
Robert called to tell me that Amanda threatened suicide and that the police were on their was to their New York City apartment to take her to a hospital.

THE NEXT DAY
I spoke with both Robert and Amanda after Amanda was discharged. She told me that she threatened suicide because she didn’t want Robert to go to a hotel, fearing that he was going to leave her. Amanda and I scheduled an individual appointment to meet the following day..followed by another couples session. Effective treatment (both individual and couples therapy) would now be possible, now that I had an accurate picture of the reality of Robert and Amanda’s life together.

*The names and some of the details have been change to protect the confidentiality of my patients.

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton.

Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your comments and questions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.

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Features

Are Niche and Unconventional Relationships Monopolizing the Dating World?

The question assumes a battle being waged and lost. It assumes that something fringe has crept into the center and pushed everything else aside. But the dating world has never operated as a single system with uniform rules. People have always sorted themselves according to preference, circumstance, and opportunity. What has changed is the visibility of that sorting and the tools available to execute it.

Online dating generated $10.28 billion globally in 2024. By 2033, projections put that figure at $19.33 billion. A market of that size does not serve one type of person or one type of relationship. It serves demand, and demand has always been fragmented. The apps and platforms we see now simply make that fragmentation visible in ways that provoke commentary.

Relationship Preferences

Niche dating platforms now account for nearly 30 percent of the online dating market, and projections suggest they could hold 42 percent of market share by 2028. This growth reflects how people are sorting themselves into categories that fit their actual lives.

Some want a sugar relationship, others seek partners within specific religious or cultural groups, and still others look for connections based on hobbies or lifestyle choices. The old model of casting a wide net has given way to something more targeted.

A YouGov poll found 55 percent of Americans prefer complete monogamy, while 34 percent describe their ideal relationship as something other than monogamous. About 21 percent of unmarried Americans have tried consensual non-monogamy at some point. These numbers do not suggest a takeover. They suggest a population with varied preferences now has platforms that accommodate those preferences openly rather than forcing everyone into the same structure.

The Numbers Tell a Different Story

Polyamory and consensual non-monogamy receive substantial attention in media coverage and on social platforms. The actual practice rate sits between 4% and 5% of the American population. That figure has remained relatively stable even as public awareness has increased. Being aware of something and participating in it are separate behaviors.

A 2020 YouGov poll reported that 43% of millennials describe their ideal relationship as non-monogamous. Ideals and actions do not always align. People answer surveys about what sounds appealing in theory. They then make decisions based on their specific circumstances, available partners, and emotional capacity. The gap between stated preference and lived reality is substantial.

Where Young People Are Looking

Gen Z accounts for more than 50% of Hinge users. According to a 2025 survey by The Knot, over 50% of engaged couples met through dating apps. These platforms have become primary infrastructure for forming relationships. They are not replacing traditional dating; they are the context in which traditional dating now occurs.

Younger users encounter more relationship styles on these platforms because the platforms allow for it. Someone seeking a conventional monogamous partnership will still find that option readily available. The presence of other options does not eliminate this possibility. It adds to the menu.

Monopoly Implies Exclusion

The framing of the original question suggests that niche relationships might be crowding out mainstream ones. Monopoly means one entity controls a market to the exclusion of competitors. Nothing in the current data supports that characterization.

Mainstream dating apps serve millions of users seeking conventional relationships. These apps have added features to accommodate other preferences, but their core user base remains people looking for monogamous partnerships. The addition of new categories does not subtract from existing ones. Someone filtering for a specific religion or hobby does not prevent another person from using the same platform without those filters.

What Actually Changed

Two things happened. First, apps built segmentation into their business models because segmentation increases user satisfaction. People find what they want faster when they can specify their preferences. Second, social acceptance expanded for certain relationship types that previously operated in private or faced stigma.

Neither of these developments amounts to a monopoly. They amount to market differentiation and cultural acknowledgment. A person seeking a sugar arrangement and a person seeking marriage can both use apps built for their respective purposes. They are not competing for the same resources.

The Perception Problem

Media coverage tends toward novelty. A story about millions of people using apps to find conventional relationships does not generate engagement. A story about unconventional relationship types generates clicks, comments, and shares. This creates a perception gap between how often something is discussed and how often it actually occurs.

The 4% to 5% practicing polyamory receive disproportionate coverage relative to the 55% who prefer complete monogamy. The coverage is not wrong, but it creates an impression of prevalence that exceeds reality.

Where This Leaves Us

Niche relationships are not monopolizing dating. They are becoming more visible and more accommodated by platforms that benefit from serving specific needs. The majority of people seeking relationships still want conventional arrangements, and they still find them through the same channels.

The dating world is larger than it was before. It contains more explicit options. It allows people to state preferences that once required inference or luck. None of this constitutes a takeover. It constitutes an expansion. The space for one type of relationship did not shrink to make room for another. The total space grew.

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Features

Matthew Lazar doing his part to help keep Israelis safe in a time of war

Bomb shelter being put into place in Israel

By MYRON LOVE It is well known – or at least it should be – that while Israel puts a high value of protecting the lives of its citizens, the Jewish state’s Islamic enemies celebrate death.  The single most glaring difference between the opposing sides can be seen in the differing approach to building bomb shelters to protect their populations.
Whereas Hamas and Hezbollah have invested untold billions of dollars over the past 20 years in building underground tunnels to protect their fighters while leaving their “civilian” populations exposed to Israeli bombs,  not only has Israel built a highly sophisticated anti-missile system but also the leadership has invested heavily in making sure that most Israelis have access to bomb shelters – wherever they are – in war time.
While Israel’s bomb shelter program is comprehensive, there are still gaps – gaps which Dr.  Matthew Lazar is doing his bit to help reduce.
The Winnipeg born-and raised pediatrician -who is most likely best known to readers as a former mohel – is the president of Project Life Initiatives – the Canadian branch of Israel-based Operation Lifeshield whose mission is to provide bomb shelters for threatened Israeli communities. 
 
Lazar actually got in on the ground floor – so to speak.  It was a cousin of his, Rabbi Shmuel Bowman, Operation Lifeshield’s executive director, who – in 2006 – founded the organization.
“Shmuel was one of a small group of American olim and Israelis who were visiting the Galilee during the second Lebanon war in 2006 and found themselves under rocket attack – along with thousands of others – with no place to go,” recounts Lazar, who has two daughters living in Israel.  “They decided to take action. I was one of the people Shmuel approached to become an Operation Lifeshield volunteer.
Since the founding of Lifeshield, Lazar reports, over 1,000 shelters have been deployed in Israel. The number of new shelter orders since October 7, 2023 is 149.
He further notes that while the largest share of Operation Lifeshield’s funding comes from American donors, there has been good support for the organization across Canada as well.
 
One of the major donors in Winnipeg is the Christian Zionist organization, Christian Friends of Israel (FOI) Canada which, in September, as part of its second annual “Stand With Israel Support”  evening –  presented Lazar and Operation Lifeshield with a cheque for $30,000 toward construction of a bomb shelter for the Yasmin kindergarten in the Binyamina Regional Council in Northern Israel.
 
Lazar reports that to date the total number of shelters donated by Friends of Israel Gospel Ministry (globally) is over 100.
 Lazar notes that the head office for Project Life Initiatives is – not surprisingly – in Toronto.  “We communicate by telephone, text and Zoom,” he says.
He observes that – as he is still a full time pediatrician – he isn’t able to visit Israel nearly as often as he would like to. He manages to go every couple of years and always makes a point of visiting some of Operation Lifeshield’s projects.
(He adds that his wife, Nola, gets to Israel two or three times a year – not only to visit family, but also in her role as president of Mercaz Canada – the Canadian Conservative movement’s Zionist arm.)
“This is something I have been able to do to help safeguard Israelis,” Lazar says of his work for Operation Lifeshield.   “This is a wonderful thing we are doing.  I am glad to be of help. ”

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Features

Patterns of Erasure: Genocide in Nazi Europe and Canada

Gray Academy Grade 12 student Liron Fyne

By LIRON FYNE When we think of the word genocide, our minds often jump to the Holocaust, the mass-scale, systemic government-led murder of six million Jews by Nazi Germany during the Second World War, whose unprecedented scale and methods led to the very term ‘genocide’ being coined. On January 27th, 2026, we will bow our heads for International Holocaust Remembrance Day, the 80th year of remembrance.

Less frequently do we connect genocidal intent to the campaign against Indigenous peoples in Canada; the forced displacement, cultural destruction, and systematic killing that sought to erase Indigenous peoples. The genocide conducted by the Nazis and the genocidal intent of the Canadian government, though each unique in scale, motive, and implementation, share many conceptual similarities. Both were driven by ideologies of racial superiority, executed through governmental precision, and justified by the perpetrators as a moral mission.

At their core rests the concept of dehumanization. In Nazi Germany, Jews were viewed as subhuman, contaminated, and a threat to the ‘Aryan’ race. In Canada, Indigenous peoples were represented as obstacles to ‘progress’ and seen as hurdles to a Christian, Eurocentric nation. These ideas, this dehumanization, turned human beings into problems to be solved. Adolf Hitler called it the ‘Jewish question,’ leading to an official policy in 1942 called the ‘Final Solution to the Jewish Question,’ whereas Canadian officials called it the ‘Indian problem.’ The language is similar, a belief that one group’s existence endangers the destiny of another. The methods of extermination differed in practice and outcome, but the language of intent resembles one another.

The Holocaust’s concentration camps and carefully engineered gas chambers were designed for efficient, industrial-scale killing, resulting in mass murder. The well-organized plan of systematic degradation, deadly riots, brutal camp conditions, and designated killing centres were only a few of the ways the Nazis worked to eliminate the Jews. The Canadian government’s weapons were policy, assimilation and abandonment. Such as the Indian Act, reserves, and residential schools, which were all meant to ‘kill the Indian in the child,’ cutting generations off from their languages, families, and cultures. Thousands of Indigenous children died in residential schools, buried in unmarked graves near schools that called themselves places of learning. Both systems were backed by either religion or ideology; Nazi ideology brought together racist eugenic policies and virulent antisemitism, while Canada’s genocidal intent was supported by Christian Protestantism claiming to save Indigenous souls by erasing their heritage.

The Holocaust was a six-year campaign of complete industrialized extermination, mass murder with a mechanized intent, on a scale that remains historically unique. The Truth and Reconciliation Commission describes Canada’s indigenous genocide as a cultural one that unfolded over centuries through assimilation and the destruction of indigenous languages and identities. The Holocaust ended with the liberation of the camps and a global recognition of the atrocities committed. However, the generational trauma and dehumanization of antisemitism carry on. For Indigenous peoples in Canada, the effects of the genocidal intent continue to this day, visible in displacement, poverty, and intergenerational trauma. While these histories differ in form and timeline, both are rooted in dehumanization and the belief that some lives are worth less than others.

A disturbing similarity lies in the aftermath: silence and denial. The Holocaust forced the world to confront the atrocity with the vow of ‘Never Again,’ which has now been unearthed and reformed as ‘Never Again is Now,’ after the October 7th, 2023, massacre by Hamas. The largest massacre of Jewish people since the Holocaust, and the denial of the atrocities committed on October 7th, highlight the same Holocaust denial we see rising around the world. In Canada, for decades, the genocidal intent was hidden behind narratives of kindness and social progress. Only in recent years, through survivor testimony for the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, and the discovery of unmarked graves, has the truth gained recognition. But acknowledgment without justice risks repeating the same patterns of erasure.

Comparing these atrocities committed is not about comparing pain or scale; it is about understanding the shared systems that enabled them. Both demonstrate how racism, superiority, and dehumanization can be used to justify the destruction of human beings. Remembering is not enough in Canada. True remembrance demands accountability, land restitution, reparations, and education that confronts Canada’s ongoing colonial legacy. When we say ‘Never Again is Now’, we hold collective action to combat antisemitism in all forms. The same applies to Truth & Reconciliation; it must be more than a slogan; we must apply action to Truth & ReconciliACTION.

Liron Fyne is a 12th-grade student at Gray Academy of Jewish Education in Winnipeg. They are currently a Kenneth Leventhal High School Intern at StandWithUs Canada, a non-profit education organization that combats antisemitism.

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