Features
Do no harm: A reminder to therapists
For over 35 years I have treated thousands of men and women of all ages and stages in life. They have come from different socioeconomic, religious and cultural backgrounds, seeking help for problems including depression, anxiety, early child sexual abuse, domestic abuse, substance abuse of various kinds and sexual and relationship issues.
The majority of my patients typically contact me asking for individual therapy. Since we don’t live in a bubble, people’s relationships, beginning with their own families of origin and significant others – including friends, lovers, colleagues and spouses, need to be fully explored. This step is critical in understanding the possible ‘root causes’ of the underlying problem(s).
People can naturally only describe their own ‘truths’ and experiences. That’s why it is important for the therapist to encourage the patient to have various family members participate in the therapy (as long as the patient feels safe to do so)— particularly when a patient’s presenting problem and chief complaint is specifically about these very important people in their life.
Although it is not always possible to do this in every situation, experience has taught me that we, as therapists, can do enormous harm to the very people that we are committed to helping, when we are unable or unwilling to obtain as complete a picture as possible. I have seen too may families and relationships destroyed, suffering irrevocable damage and pain as a result of therapists not willing to do their do diligence and be open to hearing ‘the rest of the story’.
ROBERT AND AMANDA
I recently received a phone call from Robert, 38, a very successful and well-known Southampton attorney. He told me that he and his new wife, Amanda, had been married for just one year and that the marriage was in serious trouble. His wife was initially reluctant to accompany him to an appointment. A few weeks later he called and said that they were finally both ready to come in and see me.
THE INITIAL COUPLES SESSION
Robert and Amanda (both never previously married), met on Tinder just prior to the pandemic. As a result, they had not been able to spend very much in person, face to face time together. They emailed, texted and sexted for over a year and became engaged within a few months after things began to open up. They shared a love of tennis, running, and travel, and both talked about their desire to have a child some day. We spent most of the initial session talking about how Robert’s family did not care for Amanda and were opposed to the marriage. Amanda’s feelings of rejection, disappointment and anger dominated our session. She felt that Robert did not support her and was simply too enmeshed with his family. Robert said very little, but made it very clear that Amanda was over-reacting, invalidating her feelings about how badly his family treated her. The fact that Robert did not protect his wife from his family’s hurtful and disrespectful behavior was one issue that we would definitely be tackling in our couples sessions.
MY MEETING WITH ROBERT ALONE
After the initial couples evaluation, (oftentimes lasting several hours), I always meet with the individuals alone. This enables me to really get to know who the people are as individuals, including finding out about their own family histories, dating relationships, abuse of any kind, psychiatric histories, affairs, etc. I often learn things in these individual sessions that may never be disclosed in a couples session.
Robert told me that Amanda regularly throws temper tantrums when she is upset, including hitting him, destroying property and threatening to commit suicide. These ‘scenes’ are followed by a period of calm – including apologies and promises to ‘never do it again’. Robert told me that there were several recent episodes where he felt that he should contact the police and have Amanda admitted to a psychiatric hospital. He acknowledged that he really didn’t know her when they decided to get married and that his own individual therapist had been deeply concerned that she had major unresolved psychiatric problems. He now realizes that their love of the outdoors and travel were not sufficient reasons to have gotten married. He has discussed all of this with his family. I now understand why his family had been so worried about Robert and why they have not embraced Amanda.
Robert also confided that since being with Amanda, he regularly suffers from erectile dysfunction, despite the fact the his urologist assured him that there is no physical reason to explain his problem. In discussing this further, he was able to see that even though Amanda was desperate to have a child, that under the circumstance he was not. His penis was telling him something very important!
I may never have known about the reality of Robert’s experiences with Amanda had I not met with him individually. At the end of our session Robert told me that he was thinking of going to a hotel for the night, since he hadn’t been able to sleep in several days. He planned on calling Amanda to let her know of his plans as soon as he left my office.
11 P.M.—MY CELL PHONE RINGS
Robert called to tell me that Amanda threatened suicide and that the police were on their was to their New York City apartment to take her to a hospital.
THE NEXT DAY
I spoke with both Robert and Amanda after Amanda was discharged. She told me that she threatened suicide because she didn’t want Robert to go to a hotel, fearing that he was going to leave her. Amanda and I scheduled an individual appointment to meet the following day..followed by another couples session. Effective treatment (both individual and couples therapy) would now be possible, now that I had an accurate picture of the reality of Robert and Amanda’s life together.
*The names and some of the details have been change to protect the confidentiality of my patients.
Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever: Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton.
Beatty would love to hear from you. You can send your comments and questions to BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com. For more information go to BeattyCohan.com.
Features
100-year-old Lil Duboff still taking life one day at a time

By MYRON LOVE Last march, Lil Duboff celebrated her 100th birthday in a low key manner.
“I have always been a laid back kind of person,” says the Shaftesbury retirement home resident. “I just celebrated with my family.”
Lil Duboff’s life journey began in Russia in 1925. “I was six months old when we came to Winnipeg,” she says. “Most of my extended family had come before. We were supposed to leave Russia at the same time, but my mother was pregnant with me and my parents waited until after I was born.”
The former Lil Portnoy, the daughter of Hy and Pessie, grew up the youngest of five siblings in a large and loving family in the old north end Jewish community. Upon his arrival in Winnipeg, her father, Hy, joined his father, Jack, and his brothers, Nathan and Percy, in the family business, Perth’s Cleaners, which was established in 1914.
Following the education path of most Jewish Winnipeggers in the period between the wars and into the 1950s, Duboff started her schooling at Peretz School – although she attended William Whyte School for most of her elementary schooling, supplemented by evening classes at Peretz School – followed by Aberdeen School and St. John’s Tech for high school.
The family, she recalls, belonged to the Beth Jacob Synagogue on Selkirk Avenue.
After completing high school, Duboff took a business course and joined the workforce. She first worked at Perth’s, then Stall’s, and lastly, Silpit Industries – which was owned by Harry Silverberg. (Harry Silverberg was one of the wealthier individuals in our community and a community leader who contributed generously to our communal institutions.)
It was while working at Silpit Industries that Lil Portnoy met Nathan Duboff. “Nathan worked in the shipping department,” she recalls. “We dated for three or four years before getting married.”
They wed in 1953 at the Hebrew Sick Hall on Selkirk Avenue. The bride was pregnant soon after and quit work to look after her family. The couple had three children: Chuck, Neil and Cynthia.
The family lived in the Garden City area. While Nathan continued to work for Harry Silverberg for a time – at his Brown and Rutherford lumber business, he later moved to Portage Lumber as sales manager, and then Dominion Lumber, finally retiring as sales manager for McDermot Lumber in 1995.
During those years Lil did what many married Jewish women did and put her time in as a volunteer with different Jewish organizations. She served as president of the Chevra Mishnayes Congregation sisterhood and the ORT chapter to which she belonged. She also volunteered with B’nai B’rith Women and Jewish Child and Family Service.
Her leisure activities included playing mahjong with friends and enjoying – with Nathan – the ballet and the symphony. There were also all the holiday gatherings with the extended family and summers spent at the family cottage in Gimli.
In the mid-1980s, Lil and Nathan sold their Garden City home and moved to a condo on Cambridge in the south end. After Nathan’s sudden passing in 2003, Lil continued living at Cambridge Towers until three years ago when her declining physical health required her to move into assisted living at the Shaftesbury.
While Lil Duboff suffers from many of the complaints of old age, such as limited eyesight and hearing, and other health issues, she retains a clear and positive frame of mind. She appreciates that her children all still live in Winnipeg and visit frequently. She happily reports that she also has five grandchildren and three great-grandchildren.
“It’s different living here (at the Shaftesbury),” she observes. “I don’t see as many people as I used to. But I am accepting my limitations and take life one day at a time. You never know what tomorrow might bring.”
Features
The First Time: A Memoir

By DAVID R. TOPPER Nearly every life has a series of “first times,” no matter how long or short one lives. The first day of school, or the first bicycle – these quickly come to mind. Probably because of the deep and wide reading I’ve been doing for a story I wrote, I recalled another “first” in my life. It came to me with the same chill up my spine as on the day it happened. And that was long ago.
I’m now into my early 80s and this event is from the late 1960s when I was finishing my PhD, which required that I pass a second language test. It was the last essential test, since I was finishing up my dissertation. In the early 1960s, as an undergraduate, I had taken German for the language requirement and naturally I opted for German for the graduate requirement too. Relevant here is the fact that of all the undergraduate courses I took, the only subject for which I had poor grades was – you guessed it? – German, where I got less than As and Bs.
On the day appointed, I walked across campus to the German department and took the test. The task was to translate a page of text. I can’t recall the content or anything about it. But the result was sent to me and – I suppose not surprisingly – I didn’t pass. I was informed that I could make an appointment with a member of the department to go over the test and to get some tutoring to help me prepare for another try.
But where is the “first in my life” that this memoir is all about? As said above, I only recently recalled this “first.” The trigger was a newscast that Yale University professor Timothy Snyder was moving to the University of Toronto because of the recent presidential elections in the USA. This caught my attention because his monumental book, Black Earth, on the Holocaust in the shtetls of Eastern Europe during World War II, was so crucial to that story I wrote. Thus, my subconscious kicked in and that newscast led me back to when I met the tutor.
Frankly, I don’t remember much about that day. Not the time of year, or the weather. Except that I again walked across campus, this time to meet my German tutor. Even so, I only remember three things about the tutor – beyond the fact that it was woman. She was much older than me and she spoke with a thick accent.
We sat at a table, she to my left, and in front of us on the table was my translation sheet covered with corrections in red; the original German text was beside it, to the right. Slowly she went over my translation, pointing out my mistakes. I sat, focusing on what I did wrong and listening to her suggestions for what I should have done – when, for a brief moment, she reached across my sheet to point to a German word in the original text. With her left hand and her bare arm right in front of me – I saw something on the underside of that arm.
At the time, I knew about this. I had read about it. But back in the late 1960s I had never seen it for real – in the flesh. Really. Yes, “in the flesh” isn’t a metaphor. Indeed, I’m getting the same chill now just thinking about it, as I did when I saw it – for the first time.
On the inside of that arm, she had a tattoo – a very simple tattoo – just a five-digit number. Nothing else.
I was so rattled by this that I couldn’t focus on what she was saying anymore. The tattoo blurred out much of everything else for the rest of the day.
Fortunately, this happened near the end of our meeting, and I apparently absorbed enough of her help so that when I did take the test the second time – I passed. And here I am: a retired professor after many years of teaching.
Even today, that first tattoo is still seared in my mind. Oh, and that’s the third thing I’ll always remember about the tutor who helped me pass that key test on the road to my PhD.
Features
Japanese Straightening/Hair Rebonding at SETS on Corydon

Japanese Straightening is a hair straightening process invented in Japan that has swept America.
