Picture me alone in some remote garret, clutching a copy of the American Jewish Year Book like it’s the Grimmerie in Wicked. Pages flutter, the wind howls, and I once more set out to divine what is in store for the year ahead.

But how did I do last year? Taylor Swift is still with Travis Kelce — she didn’t leave him for Manischewitz cover model Jeff Retzlaff. Instead, Manischewitz parted ways with Retzlaff, and he with Brigham Young University.

Elmo did not have a title fight with Larry David, but he did have an antisemitic tirade on X, in an apparent hack.

Billy Joel did not release a single called “Noshin’ Out.” For what it’s worth, though, he did tell the world, “No matter what, I will always be a Jew” in his HBO documentary.

My record is mixed, but I persist. If not now, when? If not me, who? Hence, my 26 quite conceivable (I think) predictions for what’s heading our way in pop culture in 2026.

1. Following Britney Spears’ viral Chabad beard appreciation post, in which she enthused over a group of young Lubavitch men playing chess, the “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” artist will tie the knot with husband number four, Mendel Bialybaum of Crown Heights.

2. 82-year-old actor and outspoken progressive Wallace Shawn will announce a politically-minded follow up to his 1981 film about a supper meeting with theater luminary André Gregory. Inspired by a similar summit at Mar-a-Lago in 2022, My Dinner with Fuentes is due to hit theaters in time for the midterms.

3. Diamond District jeweler Nachum Bernstein will be hailed as a real-life Howard Ratner — Adam Sandler’s character in the Safdie brothers’ Uncut Gems, known for his blinged-out Furby — when he unveils a diamond-studded Labubu, “the world’s most expensive.” The creation will be outfitted with pigeon-blood rubies that form the shape of a chai on its chest and a sterling silver backpack clip. It’s not for sale.

4. Alan Dershowitz will found a “spite store” in Martha’s Vineyard after being refused service last summer at a local pierogi stand. “Dersh’s Delights” boasts a legal theme: tarts are called torts, and a signature latte is the Almond Amicus Brief. It will shutter after three weekends, citing lack of interest — just one more reason to be spiteful.

5. The consolidation of HBO into Netflix will herald a number of unlikely franchise crossovers. Most controversial: Season 3 of Nobody Wants This, in which Rabbi Noah will relocate to Baltimore and welcome the family of now-reformed drug kingpin Avon Barksdale as congregants. “The Wire’s been crossed,” the Variety headline blasts.

6. Leslie Odom Jr.’s horror adaptation of a Rolling Stone article about Sammy Davis Jr.’s dalliance with the Church of Satan is reported to feature a scene where Davis — who was Jewish — and Anton LaVey, the Jewish-born founder of that church, play dreidel for one another’s souls.

7. Following Sydney Sweeney’s “good jeans” ad, which some argued was a eugenic dog whistle, American Eagle will launch a new spot, “Good Genes,” with Eugene Levy, Gene Simmons and Gene Shallot sharing a pair of oversized dungarees. Sales soar.

8. After his swearing-in as New York City mayor, Zohran Mamdani will become a Shabbos goy for his Upper East Side neighbors, promising them fast, free melakhot.

9. President Donald Trump’s new White House ballroom will feature a steam room — and Six13 will feature a parody song, “Ballroom Shvitz,” in their Hanukkah a cappella compilation.

10. Richard Kind will be revealed to excel at bocce, and be voted Manischewitz’s second matzo box cover athlete after Retzlaff. “It’s an honor I never dreamed of, and one I’m not certain I want,” Kind will say. His cover photo is dynamic, showing the character actor mid-bowl, releasing a matzo ball in the direction of a cluster of pallini.

11. Nachum Bernstein will awaken one night from a dreamless sleep to find the Labubu of his own creation perched on his chest, emerald pupils gleaming, the Hebrew word אֱמֶת (truth) now bedazzling its brow in fire opals.

12. The Swift-Kelce wedding will be the least Jewish social event of the season, despite the presence of Jack Antonoff.

13. The sequel to K-Pop Demon Hunters (KPDH: Certified Gold) will include a Neil Diamond cameo, in which the Basher — who attended NYU on a fencing scholarship — shish kebabs a string of baddies to the tune of Crunchy Granola Suite.

14. Timothée Chalamet will be cast as Olympian Mark Spitz in a forthcoming biopic directed by Barry Levinson. Sources close to the actor say he was looking for a role that let him keep his Marty Supreme mustache.

15. Billy Joel: Live at the Kotel will usher in an era of peace in a divided Jerusalem.

16. Following a well-received Sabrina Carpenter-led special. Seth Rogen will succeed in reviving The Muppet Show and get creative with its guest hosts. One standout edition will see Noam Chomsky appearing to give Dr. Teeth a crash course in Generative Grammar. (The lesson is interrupted by Animal thrashing on the drums, and Gonzo’s loose chickens stealing focus.)

17. Monty Pickle, the anthropomorphic Jewish gherkin with a mission to shed light on Jewish joy, will be seen wrapping tefillin on Rick and Morty’s Pickle Rick outside of 770 Eastern Parkway.

18. Preparing to play Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network sequel, Jeremy Strong will spend a continuous month living in the Metaverse, stopping only to guzzle Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce. “He’s wired in,” a gleeful Aaron Sorkin will tell The Hollywood Reporter.

19. After reimagining CBS News with new editor-in-chief Bari Weiss, Paramount Skydance CEO David Ellison will set his sights on reshaping CBS’ primetime sitcom lineup, greenlighting Chef in the IDF about a lone soldier with culinary ambitions. When ratings falter, Chuck Lorre will return to expand the Big Bang Theory universe with the show Old Wolowitz.

20. A Goyim Defense League march in Jacksonville, Florida will be disrupted by a near invisible force, which tosses the antisemites sky-high and dangles them over the same highway overpass where they hung a sign reading “6 Million Weren’t Enough.” Video captured on the scene, when slowed down and enhanced, appears to show the neo-Nazis heaved upward by a figure standing a few inches tall — with one full inch being bunny ears — glittering with gems, and wearing a distinctive sharp-toothed grin.

21. Antisemitism watchdog groups will be up in arms on learning that the Cyclops in Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey has a gigantic mezuzah at the entrance to his cave. Nolan explains that the Judaica was left there by the cave’s real-life owners (the Finkles) and vows to digitally remove it for its online release.

22. Nathan Fielder will finally figure out the elusive science of cold fusion on Season 3 of The Rehearsal.

23. After Nachum Bernstein’s family grows increasingly suspicious of his regular business trips, which always seem to coincide with a planned antisemitic rally in major cities, each of which is thwarted by an ostensibly supernatural force, he vows to stay put for the foreseeable future. In his home workshop, he can be heard tapping. When the family stirs awake the next morning, they discover the glittering Labubu on display next to the Shabbat candle sticks. The inscription on the toy’s brow now reads מֵת — “dead.”

24. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will do Hot Ones. He taps out when host Sean Evans asks a surprisingly sophisticated question about settler violence in the West Bank.

25. Elmo’s X account will be hacked yet again — this time by advocates of hasbara, rather than antisemitism. “Elmo loves cherry tomatoes — did you know they were invented in Israel?” reads one of the posts.

26. After successfully launching its food truck in 2025, Manischewitz will buy several decommissioned Good Year blimps for the project’s next installment. The program will be terminated after injuries stemming from paradropped jarred gefilte fish.

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