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Chesed Shel Emes panel delves into different aspects of death and dying
By MYRON LOVE They say there are two things you can count on in life – death and taxes. I don’t know about taxes – but no one escapes death.
When we are younger, few give much thought to dying. As we age though, we come ever closer to that final reality. The best we can hope for – in my view – is to live to a relatively old age in relatively good health and pass away quickly – preferably in your sleep.
So what would one consider a “good death?” That was one of the questions that was discussed by a panel of three experts on the subject who appeared together on Sunday, November 24, in a program at the Chesed Shel Emes titled: “The Last Stop – Reflections on Living and Dying”.
(The Chesed Shel Emes is our community’s non-profit Jewish funeral chapel; the only one of its kind in North America).
About 180 people were in attendance – both in person and online, as independent Rabbi Matthew Leibl, palliative care specialist Dr. Bruce Martin, and Dr. Harvey Max Chochinov, a psychiatrist who is one of the world’s authorities on the subject of the emotional aspects surrounding death and dying, shared their experiences and perspectives. Alison Gilmur, popular culture and lifestyles reporter for the Free Press. served as the moderator.
A “good death” – as opposed to a “bad death” – is important for patients and families alike, Chochinov noted.
“Is dying in your sleep a good death?” Rabbi Leibl asked. “That depends on both the individual and the family. It certainly doesn’t give the individual much time to think about it beforehand. I think the major concern for most people is that death be as painless as possible.”
“The problem is that you only die once,” Chochinov pointed out. “There is no rehearsal. Many fear the unknown. And you don’t know what the path will be, what it will be like for you. Or if you will still be you afterward.”
Gilmour asked the panelists what people fear most about dying? Chochinov cited the case of one woman who refused to take her medication because she feared it would make her confused – the way it had her mother prior to her death. Reassuring her that she was in capable hands allowed her to accept proper pain management and die peacefully.
Another anecdote from Chochinov concerned the case of a young woman who was facing death – with a young family and a young child at hand. “She was concerned that her little girl would have no memory of her,” Chochinov noted. “We completed something called Dignity Therapy, which allowed her to create a written legacy that would eventually be shared with her child.”
Rabbi Leibl referred to a member of the Shaarey Zedek who had been suffering for some time. She chose to die at home but, before her passing, she asked her children to leave the room. She and the rabbi talked.
“I asked if she was afraid,” he recalled. “She said that she wasn’t afraid, but that she worried that she would never see her family again.”
Dr. Martin noted that every death is personal. “There is no common thread,’ he said. “A last conversation can be profound or trivial.
“One concern for the dying is not being able to live to see their grandchildren grow up and the shared moments they will miss.”
Chochinov also added that some people are worried about the process of dying and what it may be like. “While dying is inevitable, suffering ought not to be”.
Gilmour asked what people can do to help comfort someone who is dying?
Chochinov’s answer was simple: “Be sure to show up”. “When you know someone is dying,” he noted, “for many the impulse is to stay away, to withdraw. You don’t know what to say,” he observed. “Don’t try to fix what can’t be fixed. But do show up and listen.”
Martin recalled a former mentor who suggested that the most important question that someone who is visiting someone who is terminally ill is: ‘What can you do to help?’ “
“People who are dying don’t need to be reminded about it,” Rabbi Leibl observed. “Although every case is different, a visitor should talk to the afflicted individual the same way you would talk to anyone else. You can talk about life, for example, or what you are reading, or a show you are watching together.”
Gilmour concluded her questioning by bringing up the issue of government-approved Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) – medically assisted suicide.
A number of liberal rabbis Are in favour of MAID, Rabbi Leibl noted. “Judaism however dictates that we must do everything we can to prevent death,” he pointed out.
“I have officiated at funerals for a few people who have chosen IAID,” he reported. “One such funeral was for a Holocaust survivor – in her 90s. I spoke with her the day before she died. She was at peace. I viewed what she was doing as courageous.”
Chochinov said it is also important to look at factors that can undermine a patient’s will to live, such as poorly controlled pain, limited access to palliative care and lack of supports, including respite.“MAID is driven by a desire for personal autonomy,” he observed. “It was originally designed as an option for patients who were suffering and facing a reasonably foreseeable death.” Eligibility criteria have been expanded, making patients not imminently dying, but suffering, able to request MAiD.He expressed grave concerns about extending MAiD for people who are mentally ill. “We simply can’t know which of these patients might improve with adequate time, support and care.”
In response to a later follow-up question from a member from the audience, Bruce Martin added that, in the case of people with dementia and MAID, the latter may prevent children and grandchildren from spending more time with the parent/ grandparent. After all, who then decides when the time is right?
The panelists were asked about talking about death and dying and how to cope. Martin noted that when he speaks to kids in schools, there is a lot of interest in the subject.
A question about planned giving elicited a comment from Chochinov about the importance of not only leaving a will, but letting family know what your wishes are. “It’s never too early to talk about these things”, he said, “but if you put it off long enough, there may come a time when it’s too late”.
Local News
Ami Hassan returning as owner of Falafel Place
By BERNIE BELLAN In a surprise move – and after more than a six-year absence as owner of Falafel Place (Corydon at Wilton) the legendary Ami Hassan has decided to return as owner of one of Winnipeg’s most famous eateries.
Long known for his sometimes irreverent attitude to his customers, e.g., “If you’re finished, get out!”, Ami decided to return to running Falafel Place after having retired years ago (or so he thought) from running the Corydon Avenue restaurant.
We asked Ami whether he’ll be sending a special invitation to Julia Roberts to come visit him at Falafel Place. He asked again: “Who’s Julia Roberts?” (Just kidding – he really does know how Julia Roberts is.) Read the story how Ami told her to leave the restaurant and come back later at Julia Roberts turned away from Falafel Place
Ami did note that when customers saw him inside the restaurant one recent day as he was getting it ready for the reopening Monday, August 10, over 20 of them came in asking him if he was open already.
We asked Ami whether the menu will be the same as it was when he last ran the place and he said everything will be the same.
Falafel Place will be open 7 days a week from 7 am – 2 pm. Remember, if you’re finished – get out!
Local News
The enormous – but little known role that Sheldon Berney played in the building of the Asper Campus
By BERNIE BELLAN Sheldon Berney passed away on July 28 in Palm Beach, Florida.
While his name may not be all that familiar to many members of Winnipeg’s Jewish community – other than the campus’s theatre having being named for him, at one time Sheldon Berney played an indispensable role in the building of the Asper Community Campus.
Six years ago I interviewed Bob Freedman about how the Asper Campus came about. Bob is one great story teller and if you want to see the entire interview (which is over an hour long, you can see it on YouTube at Freedman 2020 interview.)
The reason I’m harkening back to that interview now is to remind readers of the vital part that Sheldon Berney played in the building of the campus.
In fact, he was the the first president of the Asper Jewish Community Campus Board and, while the Berney Theatre is named for him and his picture adorns the entrance of the campus – along with Marjorie Blankstein’s and Bob Freedman’s, the contribution Sheldon Berney made to the building of the Asper Campus deserves to be recounted.
The story begins in 1986 when Bob Freedman had agreed to become the new executive director of what was then the Winnipeg Jewish Community Council. At the time he was executive director of Legal Aid Manitoba.
As Bob told me during our 2020 interview, “I said: ‘Look the only way I would consider doing that is if there was a commitment by the leadership of the WJCC to move the community forward.’ I had no intention of being a caretaker on a sinking ship.”
At the time, it should be noted, Winnipeg had begun to descend into the kinds of problems that have only been magnified in more recent years, including a deteriorating downtown – where the old YMHA was located, on Hargave – and to where an increasing number of parents were hesitant to send their children. Further, many young people had been leaving the city for better opportunities elsewhere.
Bob wanted to bring together a coalition of partners whose goal would be to develop a strategic plan that would move the Jewish community forward and revitalize it.
The first person he approached to be a part of that group was Marjorie Blankstein. As Bob explained, “I approached her and said ‘Marjorie, you’d be the perfect chair of our long-range planning committee’ and she agreed right on the spot. She didn’t need any convincing and that was May 2nd, 1986.
We then started the process, but we didn’t recruit Sheldon Berney, by the way, until a few years later,” he noted.
As Bob explained, together with Marjorie Blankstein, the two of them set out to assess community support for what had still not been identified as the campus project per se; it was more of a “sounding out” of as many different factions within the community as possible to determine how strong the determination was to move forward with a project that would complete rewrite the Jewish community’s direction.
I asked him during that interview how Sheldon Berney was eventually brought on board as a key member of the team.
Bob said that he didn’t really know Sheldon well, saying “I only met Sheldon once or twice. He was busy running the business. It was called “Reliance Products.'”
Here’s a brief excerpt from Sheldon Berney’s obituary as it appeared in the Globe & Mail that gives some detail about his business career, and his commitment to community service and philanthropy :
“Born to Ada (Loban) and Martin Berney, Sheldon lived an extraordinary life in Winnipeg before retiring to Florida. He built a distinguished career in business, joining his father at Reliance Products, which he expanded into an internationally respected manufacturer of plastic containers and camping equipment, celebrated for design excellence.
“A pillar of Winnipeg’s Jewish community and dedicated philanthropist, Sheldon chaired the Society of the Plastics Industry, the Manitoba Institute of Management, and the Young Presidents’ Organization. He served on the boards of the YMHA, CJA, and Victoria Hospital and was a core donor to the Canadian Museum for Human Rights. In the 1990s, he chaired the Asper Jewish Community Campus Board, taking immense pride in helping to bring the project to life.”
It was around the time that the idea for the campus project was being formulated that Sheldon Berney had sold Reliance Products, Bob Freedman recounted.
“Sheldon, at that time, was in his 50s and was basically retired,” Bob said.
“Even though he was not well known in the community,” Bob continued, “he had good relationships with people.” Sheldon Berney also socialized with Izzy Asper; they both had properties near each other in Florida, Bob noted.
“They shmoozed around and socialized…and we figured also he had credibility and had time on his hands, so we approached him, we briefed him, and convinced him we would need someone like him to do a job…In terms of how it was done it was a small nucleus of people who were really the movers and shakers on this….We started what was called the long-range planning committee” and Sheldon Berney “started recruiting people to serve on the committee – so we had financial people who were business people – who were ordinary people in the community.” (In fact, the name of the committee evolved to become the “Implementation Committee.”)
“I think we recruited Sheldon around 1989,” Bob recalled.
“There were two things he (Sheldon) said to us (Marjorie and Bob): “He said if I understand how things work with committees and boards – I have no patience for that…I don’t want to come to a ton of meetings. I want to have the authority to move forward and do things…and perhaps we have to spend money and need board approval – I understand that, but I don’t want the politics. I’ve got no patience for that.
“The other thing he said was when the time comes to raise money,” Sheldon said he wanted to check with certain people to see whether they would give their support to the project.
As Bob said (in his own inimitable way): “He didn’t want them to say you’re out of your f….king mind” and Sheldon would have wasted a year or two of his time.
“And Sheldon came back,” Bob said, “and every last one” of the people he had approached, which were about “four or five or six people and all of them said ‘go for it’ – and Sheldon Berney was on board, not only as a key fundraiser, but as someone who was very involved with finding the right location for the campus.
Bob told this somewhat amusing story about what happened when the initial proposal to build a community campus was for it be built at Waverley and Wilkes.
“But there were hydro towers there…and we had a public meeting and the screaming and the yelling that was going on…” and, as Bob explained, someone approached Sheldon and told him to hire someone with a Geiger counter (to measure radiation levels at the proposed site) – and this was already (19)93.” (It’s hard to imagine that the Asper Campus opened only four years later.)
Even though whoever measured the radiation levels at Waverley and Wilkes ultimately reported that there was more radiation “in your kitchen with appliances” than there was radiation from the hydro lines, Sheldon Berney was warned by someone else that “all we need god forbid is one kid in the school gets cancer and you will be dead in the water, so we agreed to move off” the Waverley and Wilkes site.
Once the plan to build at Waverley and Wilkes was dropped the focus turned to the possibility of buying what had been the Fort Osborne Barracks from the province.
Later on, when the fundraising was in full scale, Bob said that Sheldon Berney again played a key role in convincing Izzy Asper to scale back his insistence on having more representatives on the campus board than anyone else. Asper argued that if he puts up “$500,000 he should have 500,000 votes.”
According to Bob, it was Gerry Gray who told Izzy Asper that, in order for the campus project to be a true community project, if someone were to give “$1,000 that could be a really good gift considering their income and that gift is as important, if not more important than your five hundred thousand.”
But, Aper was persistent, Bob said, and one day Sheldon Berney phoned Bob and said Asper “is driving me nuts…so I said ‘Sheldon, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you suggest to Izzy” that he contribute two million and “at that time two million was a lot of money…and tell him (Asper) he can have two people on the board.” (Bob explained that they were planning a nine-person board so having two representatives on the board would be a significant number, but at the same time the board was envisioned as not having much responsibility: It “would make sure carpets were cleaned, that the taxes were paid, and all that stuff.”
The next day, Bob said, Sheldon Berney met with Izzy and said to him: “Look, we got to put this to bed because I’m not sleeping at night.” Sheldon said to Izzy: “Here’s the deal: Two million bucks – you get two people on the board. He (Asper) says ‘okay.'”
But, as Bob noted, Izzy Asper continued to be very hands-on with the building of the campus and “he would drive Sheldon nuts and he would drive me nuts and he would drive all of us nuts.”
Sheldon Berney continued to play a key role in the campus project throughout its planning and construction. But when you realize that the campus actually went from an idea on paper in as late as 1994 to a fully finished project when it opened in 1997 (although construction continued even after the official opening in the summer of 1997), it’s rather amazing to contemplate how it all came together in such a relatively short period of time.
In an article in The Jewish Post & News published in May 1995 here is what my late brother Matt wrote about the groundbreaking ceremony for what was to become the Asper Campus. Berney, who was master of ceremonies at the ceremony was quoted as saying ” ‘Over the past six years, we’ve talked to people about the campus many times.’ “
The article continued: “The ceremony ended with Berney taking the controls of a huge yellow track excavator and scooping out a big chunk of earth.
“The groundbreaking was a ‘very exciting step’, he added, noting that demolition of some Fort Osborne Barracks buildings and campus construction would start the next week. ‘You’re all here to dream with me about the day in the summer of 1997 when we’ll all be back again to cut the ribbon on a campus that will be a source of pleasure for all of us.’ “
In the photo, Sheldon Berney (left), president, Asper Jewish Community Campus, is with Larry Hurtig, Winnipeg Jewish Community Council president, who is about to present Berney with a certificate of appreciation.
Later, in our September 17, 1997 issue, Matt chronicled the opening ceremonies of the Asper Campus, which were held on Sunday, September 7 of that year.
Again, Sheldon Berney was front and centre, as Matt noted in his report: “Sheldon Berney gazed at the crowd sitting in bridge chairs on the front lawn of the Asper Jewish Community Campus on the warm, sunny day.
” ‘Many times over the past several years, I’ve painted a mental picture of exactly this scene … ‘ the campus president told the crowd.
” ‘… Standing here at the formal dedication ceremony for the Asper Jewish Community Campus, feeling an enormous sense of pride, an enormous sense of accomplishment.’ “
And, because Sheldon Berney was a behind the scenes kind of guy we never really heard a lot of, yet he’s one of three people (the others being Marjorie Blankstein and Bob Freedman himself) to have plaques with their faces on them greeting anyone who walks through the front entrance of the campus we thought it appropriate to pay Sheldon Berney his proper due.
As the inscription on Sheldon Berney’s plaque notes:
The Asper Jewish Community Campus of Winnipeg
The Centre of Life and Learning
Records its sincerest appreciation to
Sheldon Berney
in recognition of his very special efforts
first, as Chair of the Implementation Committee,
and latterly as Chair of the Board of Directors,
for his outstanding leadership in the conception,
fundraising and construction of these facilities
His dedication and style of leadership stand as an
example to all who would serve.
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Scenes from Shalom Square 2026
Shalom Square – the Israel pavilion, is on until Saturday night, August 8. As usual, audiences have been packing the Rady JCC gym to watch entertainment provided by the Chai Folk Ensemble and Kadima Dance Troupe.
(All photos courtesy of Keith Levit)
