Features
New book by former Winnipegger suggests introducing new “rituals” into divorce as a way of easing the pain
“Moving Forward – An Ancient Divorce Ritual for the Modern World”
By Dr. Marilyn Beloff
Available on Amazon Books
Reviewed by RAYMOND HALL
Introduction: Dr. Marilyn Beloff, PhD is a collaborative divorce coach, child specialist, divorce mediator, and marital and family therapist. A native of Winnipeg, she presently lives and works in Vancouver, BC.
Guilt. Shame. Fear. Self-doubt. Self-pity. Denial. Anger. Confusion. Frustration. Aloneness. These are but a few of the emotions that invariably accompany marital breakdown and divorce, an event that is now experienced by almost one in two adults at least once in our lives. These emotions abound regardless of whether that breakdown occurs with the suddenness of a shattering glass, as in the exposure of infidelity, or more slowly from a gradual fading away of romance and mutual commitment, or simply from any number of growing irreconcilable differences.
In contrast to almost all other major life events–childbirth, bris, baptism, birthdays, graduation, marriage, and even death–in which we engage in rituals of either celebration or mourning and in which we mutually express an effusive sharing of human compassion, marital breakdown is almost invariably devoid of ritual, despite being one of life’s most traumatizing events. At the very moment where a susceptible adult most needs friendship, understanding, compassion and support, he or she is left instead with emptiness, or worse, ostracism. The divorce decree arrives in the mail.
In this groundbreaking seminal work, Dr. Beloff, using her extensive practice and experience in Depth Psychology, challenges this gaping hole–the predominant absence of ritual and social convention accompanying marital breakdown. It doesn’t have to be this way, she asserts. There is an effective alternative.
She shows that it is possible for one to find inner peace and needed closure in order to be able to let go, to move forward as a whole person, without being burdened with the emotional baggage of separation and divorce, by fully engaging in an effective ritualistic process. Using the rubric of the Jewish ‘Get,’ the compulsory ritual required prior to re-marriage in the Jewish faith, as a launching point, she posits a better process.
As she demonstrates first by discussing her own painful marital breakdown and then by weaving seven individual ‘tapestries’ (testimonials) into a comprehensive thesis, an effective ritualistic process that addresses the need for closure can also provide an enrichening existential experience.
That experience can evolve both in a spiritual sense and in an integral sense by reconfirming one’s personal dignity and inherent self-worth. An effective ritual, therefore, can not only provide closure but can act as a catalyst to future personal growth. Most importantly, this process need not be limited to orthodox religious practices–rather, it carries with it broad social psychological implications applicable to secular and traditional religious practices as well as to conventional therapy.
The ‘tapestries’ described in Moving Forward document a wide gamut of conflict and general dissatisfaction with the traditional Jewish ‘Get’. As both she and her subjects explain, the Get procedure varies widely by level of orthodoxy, by geography and by local practice. It has both a ‘shadow’ side and a ‘healing’ side. In its more orthodox form it is criticized as being overly structured, one-sided, impersonal and blatantly sexist.
That criticism appears to be well-founded. Words in the required recitation of the ancient Hebrew ritual that say, “I chase you from my house…” obviously do little to provide emotional or intellectual comfort to a woman facing the aloneness of an uncertain future.
In my view, however, the strength of this book lies in the lessons provided from those describing the healing elements of such a ritual, as well as from Dr. Beloff’s reflections on the suggestions made by those who passed through the process–especially the suggestions made with respect to actually creating a ritual that provides a more egalitarian and fulsome experience that enables not only sanctified closure, but also emotional closure that encompasses forgiveness, independence and a rebuilding of dignity and strength, for both spouses.
In my own law practice, I know of very few clients or lawyers involved in family law matters who would describe themselves as being happy with the ultimate resolutions generally provided through the legal system, especially in matters of child custody and access. I have come to assume that in cases involving separation and divorce, there are no winning clients–everyone loses. And losing engenders buckets of long-lasting negative emotions.
Although alternative dispute resolution processes such as mediation and arbitration can provide effective alternatives to expensive, protracted court proceedings, they are still adversarial in nature. Consequently, they often do little to minimize the significant adverse emotions engendered in both parties to a marital breakdown–emotions that invariably are carried forward long after the legal process has ended.
Those adverse emotions obviously impose constraints on one’s success in moving forward. As a result, any process that facilitates emotional closure and personal reconciliation could be of immense assistance, especially if that process is spiritually based, if for no other reason than that it is undertaken willingly by both parties with the objective of attaining personal emotional and spiritual peace.
What do these ‘tapestries’ instruct? What lessons can be learned?
First, on marital breakdown, legal processes alone are wholly insufficient to provide critical emotional closure to those who, regardless of whether they realize it or not, could use help. There often is a fundamental need for emotional support and encouragement for both parties to the breakdown, regardless of the cause of the breakdown.
Second, traditional spiritual services, where they exist, can be helpful but their effectiveness in providing healing is often short-circuited by the application of unquestioned rote protocol, impersonal attention by strangers to the participants, and dicta suffused with gender inequality.
Third, there is no “one process fits all” solution to what individuals truly need to begin the healing process. But therein lies the key. The most striking examples of successful transformation cited in these ‘tapestries’ occurred in individuals who took an active and creative role in designing and executing their own ritual of liberation: choosing trusted witnesses, and, for example, having those witnesses symbolically tie and untie knots. But above all, carefully drafting one’s own recitations to either supplement or to supplant the existing ritual processes.
Direct personal involvement in constructing and executing an appropriate ritual dialogue bridges many of the inadequacies in effecting a healthful transformation. The more that the individual embraces the kavannah, the intention or sincere commitment of the heart to letting go, the easier and more effective the resulting transformation. The more that the individual involves close personal friends in the ritual, the greater the comfort moving forward.
Moving Forward, an appropriately-titled contribution to social psychology, is essentially about helping separated individuals successfully achieve a critical, deep personal life-changing transformation that will assist them to pursue a future that is largely unencumbered by remorse, antipathy and illusions of fantasy at a critical stage in their lives.
Dr. Beloff has opened a vital door to that healing. But as always, it will be up to individuals to actually walk through that door, in their own way.
Raymond Hall was called to the Bar by the Law Society of Manitoba in 1988 and is now a practising member of the Law Society of B.C.
Features
James Gershfield’s new book a paean to his illustrious father
By MYRON LOVE About 25 years ago (or so), I took a class given by Rabbi Allan Green, then still the rabbi at the Beth Israel Synagogue – delving into the meaning of the opening prayers that are recited daily during the morning service. It was one of the more interesting classes that I have taken. Regrettably, he didn’t follow up with more classes exploring the origins and meaning of the prayers we recite in shul.
After reading James Gershfield’s new biography of his father, the late Rabbi Rabbi Edward M. Gershfield, who passed away in 2019 at the age of 86, and his passion for the meanings of words and prayers, I think I would have enjoyed studying with him.
James Gershfield’s “Rabbi Scholar Father Friend: The Life, Thought, Humor, and Wisdom of Rabbi Edward M. Gershfield” is, in a sense, a sequel to “Rainy River Girl,” a memoir of his mother, Toby Gershfield, co-written and published by her son – a former computer software developer who decided a couple of years ago to change direction and founded Scribal Scion Publishing LLC, a small publishing company dedicated to publishing – under the Scribal Scion imprint – Jewish books that inspire and comfort.
As reported a few weeks back in the pages of the Jewish Post, “Rainy River Girl” is the story of Toby Gershfield’s early years growing up in the small southwestern Ontario community where her father Dr. Nathan Helman served as the town dentist. Her mother, Sophie, was the daughter of the esteemed Rabbi Israel Kahanovitch – Western Canada’s foremost rabbi in the interwar years and beyond.
While “Rabbi Scholar Father Friend” does have aspects of a biography – largely in the opening and closing chapters – the 180 page book is more an ode to a beloved and illustrious father.
In his short introduction to “Rabbi Scholar Father Friend”, Gershfield observes that “every person is unique, which is a ‘truism,’ as my late father would say. However, some people have a very unusual combination of personal strengths, knowledge, insights and personality that make it worthwhile to get to know them and their life stories”.
He notes that his father combined a variety of qualities that made the elder Gershfield’s life, thought, humour, and wisdom worth studying. His father, he writes, “was a rabbi, a scholar, a father, and a friend. He was also a beloved teacher, an innovative thinker, a gifted orator, a respected adviser to other rabbis, an expert on comparative Jewish and Roman law, a beautiful singer of Jewish prayers, and a talented Hebrew scribe who administered and wrote many Jewish divorce documents, known as Gittin.”
Ed Gershfield was born and grew up in Winnipeg. “Rabbi Scholar Father Friend” chronicles his early years here. The future rabbi actually had a largely secular education – having attended Machray Elementary School and St John’s.
While he did attend synagogue – the Tiferes Israel (aka the Mezhiricher shul) regularly with his father, it was at Talmud Torah (evening school) that his love of Judaism was inculcated. The most important influences were his cheder teacher Mr. Klein and Rabbi Avraham Kravetz, the school’s principal. It was Rabbi Kravetz who recognized promise in the young Gershfield and encouraged him to consider the rabbinical life.
Rabbi Kravetz encouraged his young protégé to enrol in the Jewish Theological Seminary with the idea that, according to James Gershfield, after he received his ordination he would return to Winnipeg to lead a new Jewish Studies Department that Rabbi Kravetz was hoping to establish at the University of Manitoba. When that didn’t materialize, the newly ordained Rabbi Gershfield decided to remain in Manhattan.
Although he did serve as a congregational rabbi for a couple of years early in his career – and again in the early 1980s, his true passions was for teaching and scholarship. In addition to his study at the JTS, he earned an MA in Latin from Columbia University and a PhDl in the study of Jewish law, as compared to Roman Law.
He was one of America’s pre-eminent experts in the field. He also became a specialist in granting Jewish divorces (gittin). His son devotes entire chapters to the subject of gittin and his father’s study of Roman law.
Readers, I am sure, will also enjoy Rabbi Gershfield’s thoughts on Jews and Judaism, examples of his words and wisdom and humour, some of his stories and his analyses of the meanings of some Hebrew words, expressions and prayers in the siddur.
“This book was written from my perspective as his son,” writes James Gershfield, “and is based on both my personal experiences and the knowledge that I have gained about his life from people who knew him, and from his writings and audio recordings.
“Once my father turned 80 years old, I felt that there were many times in my life when I had not paid enough attention to what he was saying, and I was sure that there were many things that he said that I didn’t remember. So, I made an extra effort during the next several years to listen carefully to any stories that he would tell, and to write them down so that I could remember them and preserve them. Many of those stories and thoughts are in this book.”
Rabbi Gershfield passed away in 2019 at the age of 86.
“While I worked as a software engineer for over forty years,” notes James in the book, “I gradually came to understand that you don’t need to be a pulpit rabbi to have a strong connection to Judaism and Jewish learning. As I got older, I gradually figured out a way to connect with my father in a way that we could both understand each other. That is the intended meaning behind the title of this book: “Rabbi Scholar Father Friend”. My relationship with him developed over time from him being my rabbi, which never changed, to a scholar, to my father and finally to being my friend.”
“Rabbi Scholar Father Friend” is available in both paperback and hard cover on Amazon.
Features
What Are the Dos and Don’ts of Online Trading?
Dos and don’ts of online trading, things to keep in mind when looking at an online brokerage account and how to keep your information safe from fraud.
Trading online can be a very beneficial way to grow your wealth, and it can be much more efficient and easy than traditional trading. There are several things that you should keep in mind if you choose to trade this way, however. You shouldn’t simply dive into online brokerage sites without knowing the rules.
In the following sections, we will review the dos and don’ts of online trading, to give you a better grounding to get started on. When you find a reliable site, you may be lucky enough to get one that offers a no deposit bonus Forex to help you get started.
Dos of online trading
When you trade online, there are certain things that you should always do. These include the following:
- Keep an eye out for “assured” returns. Everyone wants to make a lot of money and do so quickly. However, you should beware of sites that offer you assured returns, because this isn’t the way that the market really works. To grow your wealth takes time and effort, and consistently watching the market over a longer period. Therefore, anything that looks overly flashy or too good to be true should be avoided.
- Make a concerted effort to review and adjust your account regularly. You should take the time to review your trading account on a monthly or quarterly basis for several reasons. It will help you keep track of your funds and securities. It will also help ensure that all of your transactions are legitimate and that there haven’t been hacking attempts on your account. And it will help ensure that there are no idle funds or securities that have remained and should be eliminated.
- Keep your broker informed of any changes. If you see any anomalies or suspicious looking activity in your account history, you should immediately notify your broker. The longer problems exist, the bigger they can become. Also, you should always keep your contact details up to date so that representatives can reach you if necessary. This should include an email and mobile number.
- Choose to settle your accounts as often as possible. When you choose the frequency of receiving your account statements, you should be sure to choose 90 days or less. This will help ensure that you are on top of your account changes, and it is also the official policy of many exchanges.
- Make sure that your funds payouts are received into the bank account with which you registered on the site. Exchanges work via bank accounts that match information provided on the corresponding brokerage sites. Any unrelated bank information could cause issues with the site.
Don’ts of trading
What you should avoid doing with regard to online trading is just as important as what you should do. Therefore, keep the following don’ts in mind when you trade online:
- Never transact with unfamiliar brokers. When you choose an online broker, be sure to make sure that it is registered with the SEC and is properly regulated. Unregistered brokers do not have to follow official rules of transparency, data storage, and banking, and you could be risking your money if you trade on them.
- Don’t ignore any type of communication that you might receive from the exchange. When people receive frequent messages from their exchanges – many of which are simply updates or general information – they tend to ignore messages that might be critical to their accounts. Therefore, you should always at least look through messages to make sure your account is in good shape.
- Don’t share your banking information with anyone. When you find a secure exchange site, you will have to enter your banking information in order to receive payouts. However, you should never share this information with anyone outside the site, which should be encrypted and ensure the security of your information. Also be sure never to share your password or login information.
- Don’t transfer any funds to people that are not designated to receive them. Even if you are sending to someone that you know and trust, exposing this information can leave you open to hackers, and you could end up getting your account information compromised.
- Don’t follow investment advice that doesn’t come from an official or objectively trustworthy source. There are many TV and Internet ads, social media sites, and other sources of false and misleading information out there. When you hear about a company, be sure to do independent research on it to make sure that it is reliable before getting involved.
Conclusion
Online trading is making a huge difference in people’s ability to grow their wealth, and do so more efficiently, comfortably, and successfully than ever before. But you should be careful to do it in the right way to make sure that you maximize your profits and avoid falling victim to fraud.
Features
The Risks of Playing Live Roulette Online in Canada
When it comes to playing online, everyone can have a lot of fun. However, at the same time, everyone can experience different issues while trying to have fun with live roulette in Canada. Of course, it’s not the only game that poses such risks, as other gambling games online are also not always secure due to a number of different reasons. In this article, we would like to take a look at the most often discussed risks associated with not only playing live roulette online but also overall attempting to gamble online.
Security Risks
The most important thing is to focus on using only secure gambling platforms. It’s especially important while playing live roulette online, as the player needs to be sure that his personal and financial information are properly secured. Otherwise, hackers could use that knowledge to their advantage, and that’s something nobody wants. Luckily, Canada requires online casinos to meet strict security protocols, but it is still advised to be cautious of new platforms.
| Security measure | Description |
| License | A casino should be properly regulated and licensed |
| Certificates | Inclusion of such trust seals as iTechLabs or eCOGRA ensures a high level of security |
| Encryption | Use of SSL and TSL vastly improves protection of user’s financial and private data |
The Problem of Addiction
The moment we decide to take part in live roulette online, we need to remember that it can lead to developing the problem of addiction. However, if the player is sensible about his gameplay and knows that gambling is only a way of having fun, instead of making money, it should not pose a significant risk. Still, there are a lot of different casino games, including roulette variants, that are not only fast-paced but also immersive. Due to that, for some players it may be easy to lose track of their finances as well as the time. To avoid impulsive decisions, set a budget before attempting to gamble and stick to it no matter what.
Unregulated Platforms
Most casinos that offer online roulette Canada are worth your time and are properly secured, so you won’t experience any problems with them. However, there’s a certain number of gambling platforms that aren’t really trustworthy. They may operate without using a license or do not comply with the rules of a particular jurisdiction. You should always consider such a situation to be a red flag and immediately resign from attempting to play in this kind of casino. Rogue gambling platform may not only rig games, but also withhold your winnings or deliver weak player data protection. Always check the license to avoid such problems.
Technical Problems
Live roulette online is a fun game, but it requires a stable internet connection coupled with well-functioning software to operate effortlessly. Games that aren’t designed well are going to have such problems as glitches or delays in streaming. This is unacceptable as players’ gameplay cannot be disturbed in any way, as it leads to frustration, especially when real money is at stake. In order to ensure lack of technical issues, make sure that you use a licensed casino that is recommended by experts and also have a stable internet connection to avoid unnecessary difficulties on your side.
Unclear Bonus Terms
There are a lot of different promos and bonuses in online casinos that only seem to be worth the money and time of the players. In reality, bonuses include a lot of different requirements, aside from the wager, and the player needs to be properly informed about all of them. Otherwise, it’s impossible to properly assess if a given bonus is actually worth trying. A casino should provide all the necessary information about game, time, wager and win limits when offering a particular bonus. If there are any hidden details by the platform, it means that the casino is simply not trustworthy in this regard.
Financial Risks
At the end, it’s necessary to highlight the financial risks associated with playing live roulette online. Due to the fact that this kind of gambling game cannot be played in a demo version, the player should always remember to properly prepare for a gaming session. Due to the fact that roulette is a game of chance, it’s possible to lose a lot of money quickly, even if you are a seasoned player.
Due to that, it’s best to set a particular budget before starting a game and divide it into a given number of bets. Canadian players should always remember about approaching live roulette online in accordance with responsible gambling rules. Do not gamble more money than you can afford to lose. In case you want to have a stricter control of your actions, use limits provided by casinos or decide to use the self-exclusion option if things go too far.
You must be logged in to post a comment Login