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New book by former Winnipegger suggests introducing new “rituals” into divorce as a way of easing the pain
“Moving Forward – An Ancient Divorce Ritual for the Modern World”
By Dr. Marilyn Beloff
Available on Amazon Books
Reviewed by RAYMOND HALL
Introduction: Dr. Marilyn Beloff, PhD is a collaborative divorce coach, child specialist, divorce mediator, and marital and family therapist. A native of Winnipeg, she presently lives and works in Vancouver, BC.
Guilt. Shame. Fear. Self-doubt. Self-pity. Denial. Anger. Confusion. Frustration. Aloneness. These are but a few of the emotions that invariably accompany marital breakdown and divorce, an event that is now experienced by almost one in two adults at least once in our lives. These emotions abound regardless of whether that breakdown occurs with the suddenness of a shattering glass, as in the exposure of infidelity, or more slowly from a gradual fading away of romance and mutual commitment, or simply from any number of growing irreconcilable differences.
In contrast to almost all other major life events–childbirth, bris, baptism, birthdays, graduation, marriage, and even death–in which we engage in rituals of either celebration or mourning and in which we mutually express an effusive sharing of human compassion, marital breakdown is almost invariably devoid of ritual, despite being one of life’s most traumatizing events. At the very moment where a susceptible adult most needs friendship, understanding, compassion and support, he or she is left instead with emptiness, or worse, ostracism. The divorce decree arrives in the mail.
In this groundbreaking seminal work, Dr. Beloff, using her extensive practice and experience in Depth Psychology, challenges this gaping hole–the predominant absence of ritual and social convention accompanying marital breakdown. It doesn’t have to be this way, she asserts. There is an effective alternative.
She shows that it is possible for one to find inner peace and needed closure in order to be able to let go, to move forward as a whole person, without being burdened with the emotional baggage of separation and divorce, by fully engaging in an effective ritualistic process. Using the rubric of the Jewish ‘Get,’ the compulsory ritual required prior to re-marriage in the Jewish faith, as a launching point, she posits a better process.
As she demonstrates first by discussing her own painful marital breakdown and then by weaving seven individual ‘tapestries’ (testimonials) into a comprehensive thesis, an effective ritualistic process that addresses the need for closure can also provide an enrichening existential experience.
That experience can evolve both in a spiritual sense and in an integral sense by reconfirming one’s personal dignity and inherent self-worth. An effective ritual, therefore, can not only provide closure but can act as a catalyst to future personal growth. Most importantly, this process need not be limited to orthodox religious practices–rather, it carries with it broad social psychological implications applicable to secular and traditional religious practices as well as to conventional therapy.
The ‘tapestries’ described in Moving Forward document a wide gamut of conflict and general dissatisfaction with the traditional Jewish ‘Get’. As both she and her subjects explain, the Get procedure varies widely by level of orthodoxy, by geography and by local practice. It has both a ‘shadow’ side and a ‘healing’ side. In its more orthodox form it is criticized as being overly structured, one-sided, impersonal and blatantly sexist.
That criticism appears to be well-founded. Words in the required recitation of the ancient Hebrew ritual that say, “I chase you from my house…” obviously do little to provide emotional or intellectual comfort to a woman facing the aloneness of an uncertain future.
In my view, however, the strength of this book lies in the lessons provided from those describing the healing elements of such a ritual, as well as from Dr. Beloff’s reflections on the suggestions made by those who passed through the process–especially the suggestions made with respect to actually creating a ritual that provides a more egalitarian and fulsome experience that enables not only sanctified closure, but also emotional closure that encompasses forgiveness, independence and a rebuilding of dignity and strength, for both spouses.
In my own law practice, I know of very few clients or lawyers involved in family law matters who would describe themselves as being happy with the ultimate resolutions generally provided through the legal system, especially in matters of child custody and access. I have come to assume that in cases involving separation and divorce, there are no winning clients–everyone loses. And losing engenders buckets of long-lasting negative emotions.
Although alternative dispute resolution processes such as mediation and arbitration can provide effective alternatives to expensive, protracted court proceedings, they are still adversarial in nature. Consequently, they often do little to minimize the significant adverse emotions engendered in both parties to a marital breakdown–emotions that invariably are carried forward long after the legal process has ended.
Those adverse emotions obviously impose constraints on one’s success in moving forward. As a result, any process that facilitates emotional closure and personal reconciliation could be of immense assistance, especially if that process is spiritually based, if for no other reason than that it is undertaken willingly by both parties with the objective of attaining personal emotional and spiritual peace.
What do these ‘tapestries’ instruct? What lessons can be learned?
First, on marital breakdown, legal processes alone are wholly insufficient to provide critical emotional closure to those who, regardless of whether they realize it or not, could use help. There often is a fundamental need for emotional support and encouragement for both parties to the breakdown, regardless of the cause of the breakdown.
Second, traditional spiritual services, where they exist, can be helpful but their effectiveness in providing healing is often short-circuited by the application of unquestioned rote protocol, impersonal attention by strangers to the participants, and dicta suffused with gender inequality.
Third, there is no “one process fits all” solution to what individuals truly need to begin the healing process. But therein lies the key. The most striking examples of successful transformation cited in these ‘tapestries’ occurred in individuals who took an active and creative role in designing and executing their own ritual of liberation: choosing trusted witnesses, and, for example, having those witnesses symbolically tie and untie knots. But above all, carefully drafting one’s own recitations to either supplement or to supplant the existing ritual processes.
Direct personal involvement in constructing and executing an appropriate ritual dialogue bridges many of the inadequacies in effecting a healthful transformation. The more that the individual embraces the kavannah, the intention or sincere commitment of the heart to letting go, the easier and more effective the resulting transformation. The more that the individual involves close personal friends in the ritual, the greater the comfort moving forward.
Moving Forward, an appropriately-titled contribution to social psychology, is essentially about helping separated individuals successfully achieve a critical, deep personal life-changing transformation that will assist them to pursue a future that is largely unencumbered by remorse, antipathy and illusions of fantasy at a critical stage in their lives.
Dr. Beloff has opened a vital door to that healing. But as always, it will be up to individuals to actually walk through that door, in their own way.
Raymond Hall was called to the Bar by the Law Society of Manitoba in 1988 and is now a practising member of the Law Society of B.C.
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5 Ways to Carve Out Gym Time in Your Life
From rewriting your brain and sticking to a disciplined workout regime, find the top 5 ways to carve out adequate gym time in your daily routine.
A Brief Introduction
It can be a hassle to find the time to work out if you are busy with everyday responsibilities. By incorporating a few practical strategies into your daily life, you can start being consistent with your gym routine.
- Remember Your Motivation to Prioritize
If you’re trying to be consistent, you need to know why you started out. People may have different reasons to commit their time to the gym. Be it to build muscles, lose weight, deal with stress, or improve overall health, having a clear vision of your goal will help you stick to it. With your reason to start always on your mind, you will now have a reason to keep showing up, day in and day out. This helps cut out excuses and prioritize your wellbeing.
- Reduce Your Barrier to Start
The more hurdles you keep on your way to start, the harder it will be to continue with your habit. The easy solution is to cut down on the effort it takes to get started. Pick an accessible gym over a fancier one that you would need to go out of your way to visit. By picking a gym along the route of your daily routine, you can seamlessly incorporate working out as part of your day. Be it near your workplace or your home, the location makes hitting the gym convenient.
It also helps if you plan ahead. Be it your preworkout, your protein shake, or other health supplements from flexpharma.is, make sure you are restocking before you run out. Anabolic steroids are possibly one of the most popular items that have methandrostenolone. Injectables, fat burners, and fusion steroids are some of the trending fitness products that have been creating a buzz across the world.
Keep your gym bag ready to go and lay out your workout gear ahead of time so that you are left with no excuses.
- Get a Gym Buddy for Accountability
Nothing helps drive athletes more than having a sense of community and camaraderie. People interested in weight training already know about the importance of a spotter. Having a friend, a partner, or a peer in the gym will help keep you on track to consistency. This also provides a sense of community, making it more rewarding to attend workout sessions regularly and push each other towards breaking new personal records.
- Incorporate Workouts in Your Daily Activities
It is impossible to make it to the gym every day without fail, be it due to work, family, or other responsibilities. For those days, make it a habit to not skip your workouts. There are many home workout videos and apps available that offer a range of exercise options with little to no equipment. You can start with mini-workouts like planks or squats during short breaks. It can even be as simple as going for a quick stroll for five minutes while stuck at work if you are pressed for time. The easiest way to increase your fitness and stamina is through Sermorelin, Semaglutide, and other cutting-edge peptides to start with.
- Rewire Your Brain
Science talks about neuroplasticity and the power of the positive feedback loop. Without having to learn more about cognitive sciences, you can still make use of these hacks to trick your brain into enjoying training. For every achievement, celebrate yourself. Be it a happy shout of victory on breaking a personal record or getting a new flavor of protein bar, with every celebratory action, you reinforce the positive effect of being consistent at the gym. By creating a positive experience, you make it easier for your brain to stay engaged and consistent at the gym.
Conclusion
It takes careful planning to commit to gym life. While hard work is always rewarded in the gym, in order to get to the gym day in and day out, you also need to work smart. By removing the common hurdles and being dedicated, you can make sure you reach your personal wellness goal.
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When will we most likely see an NFL expansion team from Canada?
It’s currently the middle of August, meaning that the biggest sporting show in North America doesn’t start for another three weeks. On September 5, the curtain will come down on the new NFL season as the reigning Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs hosts Baltimore Ravens at Arrowfield Stadium.
It’s not just Americans that love football though, the game and in particular the NFL is hugely popular north of the border here in Canada. Every week millions of Canadians tune in to cheer on their favourite teams and keep refresh their phones to find out the latest NFL standings.
What though, are the chances of Canadian NFL fans checking their phones to see how a Canadian team is doing in the standings? Read on to find out.
The History of NFL Expansion into Canada
Broadly there are two camps in Canada when it comes to NFL expansion. Those on one side of the debate claim that they don’t need an NFL team and that having one would cause harm to their own domestic competition.
On the other side of the battlefield are those who claim that the NFL is more popular in Canada than its own domestic league and that it is baffling that millions of Canadians are forced to support American teams when they could be supporting one of their own in the NFL.
Traditionally the second camp has been winning the argument, but only just. Which explains why many attempts for an NFL expansion into the country have failed, as the physical barriers to overcome have been, at times, overshadowed by the ideological ones.
From around 1975 to 2015, there have been numerous attempts to set up a franchise in Canada – particularly in Toronto – but none have taken hold. The closest that we have gotten to NFL action north of the border was when the Buffalo Bills played six regular season games at the Rogers Centre between 2008 to 2013.
(The fans might have loved the Toronto series, but it’s safe to say the Bill’s players didn’t particularly enjoy it.)
What’s Stopping Expansion?
Currently the argument for expansion is gaining momentum, but despite that there are still substantial obstacles to overcome. The key one is that there is no current suitable venue that the NFL see as being able to sustain a franchise.
In terms of supporter numbers, Toronto is the only feasible location for an NFL franchise. With a metropolitan population in excess of 6 million and an estimated football viewing audience of just under a million, it is by far and away the standout contender to host an NFL team.
Unfortunately, The Rogers Centre has since been turned into an exclusively baseball venue since being used as a temporary home for the Bills back in 2013. The next alternative in Toronto is BMO Field, the home of MLS side Toronto FC.
Whilst the 31,000 seater stadium is perfectly serviceable for MLS, its capacity puts it at below half of the average capacity of an NFL stadium (70,000).
What the Future Holds for Canadian NFL Expansion
There are three possibilities for a Canadian NFL expansion. The first is that the 18,000 seat expansion to BMO field for the 2026 FIFA World Cup satisfies the NFL. That would bring the total capacity at the stadium to just under 50,000, which would still make it the smallest stadium in the NFL but only by around 10,000 seats.
Or, that the stadium can be further expanded to bring it into line with other NFL venues and thus remove one huge obstacle to expansion. The other alternative is that work begins on a purpose built venue with the backing of local businessman and American entrepreneurs who are keen to see NFL played regularly in Canada.
Potential Timeframes
If the first two stadium possibilities are possible then we could see a Toronto based NFL team at the end of the decade. That’s a best case scenario. The most likely however is that BMO Field is deemed unsuitable for the NFL, leaving another venue to be found.
Unfortunately, 70,000 seater stadiums aren’t cheap and finding someone to finance a project of that size without the guarantee of an NFL franchise is highly unlikely. Until then, it looks like we’ll have to continue backing our own domestic league and enjoying the NFL from afar…
Features
Common Online Casino Mistakes To Avoid
Online casino games can be a brilliant way to bring excitement to life in your spare time. These games have become hugely popular in recent years, but you will find that people often make the same mistakes. These mistakes can lead to financial losses, cybercrime, and an inferior experience, so it is important to be aware of what these mistakes are so that they can be avoided. This post will outline a few of the most common mistakes people make when playing online casino games and explain how to avoid falling into the same trap. Interested? Keep reading to find out more.
Ignoring Terms & Conditions
One of the biggest mistakes players make with online casino games is ignoring the terms and conditions. You should always take the time to read through these, paying close attention to things like the conditions of bonuses and restrictions in withdrawals. This will help you avoid any nasty surprises when playing games.
Not Researching Casinos
Another common mistake people make is not researching casinos. There are endless options for online casinos, but not all are equal, and there are even many that are unlicensed. Therefore, you need to research casinos and find one that is fully licensed and has positive reviews. The best casinos will have a massive selection of games to choose from, including blackjack online. A wide selection of games means it is hard to get bored, and you can always find something to play.
Chasing Losses
One of the most dangerous mistakes people make is chasing losses. This is where players will attempt to win back the money they have lost, which often means betting larger sums. This is a dangerous tactic and a slippery slope, so it is important to be aware of it and take measures to protect against it. The best way to avoid chasing losses is to set a budget before each session – if you spend that amount, you need to be able to walk away.
Not Understanding Games
It is always important to have a strong understanding of the game that you are playing. This will boost your chances of winning and your gaming experience. Therefore, you should always read the instructions when playing a game for the first time. For strategic games like poker, there is a lot of information online that will help you get to grips with the basics and learn strategies to use.
Weak Passwords
Cybersecurity needs to be a top priority when it comes to online casino games. The top casinos will have strong cybersecurity measures in place, but you also have a role to play. It is important to use strong passwords and multi-factor authentication to prevent hackers. It is also smart to avoid having large sums held in your online account in case someone hacks your account.
These are the most common mistakes that you will want to avoid when it comes to online casino games. By avoiding these mistakes, you can improve your experience and enjoy the excitement that these games can bring.
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